The Last Goodbye
by SaraGee
Summary: An inside look at Dean and Lisa after he came to say his final goodbye  5.19


_**AN: This was a FF I "had to" write, because I'm absolutely in love with Dean/Lisa! 3 I think they are perfect for eachother and after the Episode "99 Problems" I had to write something about them. **_

_**Please don't be too hard, cause Englisch is not my first language. If you find any mistakes...you can keep them ;)**_

**Please review!**

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My eyes followed the black car. I was unable to move an inch. I just stared, paralyzed. My hand was leaning against the door, because I needed something to hold on to. I waited until the last deep sound of the car was gone and silence surrounded me. It felt like I was in a vacuum. The world around me didn't exist anymore. I couldn't feel anything, couldn't hear anything, except my pounding heart. I was still not moving and my head tried to understand what had happened.

What did all this mean? All these questions were flying around in my head and I knew that I had to do something. I turned around slowly and closed the door behind me. His words were still echoing in my head and I could still hear his voice. "You're save… take care of you! Goodbye!"

I was alone, again!

The tears, that I had tried to keep from falling, found their way and ran down my face in thin lines. I didn't care! This moment threw me off course and changed my life forever.

With the door behind my back, I sat down slowly, pulled up my knees and hold them tight with my arms. I rested my head on my knees and wept.

I wept, because I felt guilty. Because he said goodbye … again and because I was angry. Angry, because I totally fell for him again the second I opened the door.

My thoughts went back to the last time, I saw him.

_9__ years went by without any sign of life. It didn't surprise me because we had no commitments, no relationship – just fun! Ohh! I enjoyed every minute of it. I flew high above and wanted to keep these moments in my memories forever…And there he was: On my door step, again. _

_What should I have said? What should I have done? It wasn't his fault. I couldn't accuse him of anything. Everything was fine, until now. I lived my life and he lived his somewhere else. _

_Everything was so easy and I loved my life__- until now. _

_The moment, I opened the door. There he was! With his cute smile and these sparkling eyes. I knew, why he was here, but I couldn't give it to him. I had changed. I had responsibilities. _

_I introduced him to Ben and knew that he would notice it. He wasn't stupid and the connection was too obvious. Every time I looked at him, it amazed me how similar people could be, even if they don't even know each other. _

_After a while, he came back into the kitchen. __„Is he…?" There it was! The question I desperately tried to find a reasonable answer to since he entered the house. "No!" My answer came way to quick and too loud. I stood up and turned around to him fitfully. I was a bad liar, but I didn't want him to feel guilty or responsible. It was my decision and I hadn't regretted one day. He looked at me with questioning eyes, but I couldn't tell him. _

My tears had dried but I was still sobbing. I wiped away the tears with my hands and straightened my dishevelled hair. If only I had reacted differently! But I made my decision and had no chance to change the situation now.

_After that day, everything went out of hand. I was worried sick about Ben and he was my last and only hope. He was strong and I __knew I could trust him. The feeling I had, when I saw him and Ben, walking up the driveway towards me, was overwhelming. It felt right, but I knew that it could never be this way. _

_The following talk made me understand this in a painful way. He asked me again but I couldn't let him know that I lied to him. I had to stand to my word. I could see in his eyes that he didn't believe me. Why should he? It didn't make sense. How could I have gotten a blood sample of that biker? It was a one-night-stand. The look on his face surprised me and tore into my heart like a dagger. What should I have said? What kind of reaction did I expect? But I never expected his following words. They were heart stricken. But after all that had happened, I couldn't let him carry this burden with him. He had enough problems and responsibilities on his shoulders. As much as I wished it was so, I knew that this wasn't his life and it was impossible. So, this was a goodbye, again. He wanted to leave just like that, but I couldn't let him walk out that door. I ran towards him and by the time I felt his soft lips on mine, I knew why Ben made me so happy. He was the gift of one of the happiest moments in my life. _

I slowly opened my eyes. I wished it would all have been just a bad dream, but I was still sitting on the floor with my back leaning against the front door. I looked around in the house. We had moved from Cicero just a few weeks after the events, because the memories were too strong and I couldn't stand it.

We had built up a new life and everything was ok. The memories faded away and were just a pale shadow now. It had always been Ben and me, but we were a good team. We didn't need anyone else, right?

And just in that moment, when everything looked like a normal life, he had to reappear on my doorstep!

I said goodbye a few years ago and I never would have thought to see him again…and there he was.

But it was different than the last time. He looked different.

His smile was forced and his eyes had lost their beautiful glance. His deep voice that used to make me shiver, was soundless and wearily.

His words confused me but gave me hope at the same time. He was here. He had found us. He wanted to be with me; with Ben, because he was happy with us.

I wanted to fall into his arms and tell him how long I had waited for these words, but he hadn't finished explaining so I had to listen first.

His next words shattered all my illusions and wishes, again. In contrast to him, I still had some. I begged him not to go, to come inside and talk, to wait for Ben to come home, but he didn't stay.

His words frightened me. What was coming? Why did he tell me these things? Why did he come all the way down to see me? But the most troubling question was: Why wouldn't he be here to protect us? What kind of conditions would he work out for us? Who were these people and what did they want from him?

I started to shiver again. My mouth was dry and I got up slowly to get some water in the kitchen. I knew that Ben would be home any minute and I didn't want him to see me like that. I leaned one hand on the sink while I lifted the other one with the glass to my mouth. The cool water ran down my throat and it felt good. After I placed the glass on the table, I touched my left cheek with my hand. I could still feel his skin touching mine and his breath in my hair. This quiet whisper when he told me that I don't need to be worried, he would be ok. „Take care of you! Goodbye!" These were his last words before he let go of me and I weren't able to hold on to him any longer. I had lost him but deep down I knew this time- it was forever!

I needed time to think so I welcomed the distance I had to travel. It took me some time to get the new address but I was successful and on my way to her right now.

I made a decision and wanted to tell her face to face. Sam wouldn't understand it, but he wasn't in my situation. Sure, we were in this whole damn mess together but I noticed every day that it was too big for us. It didn't matter what we did or how we reacted; we wouldn't be able to stop it! Why couldn't Sam see this? He wanted to talk about it, but I couldn't! My hope was gone and I had no perspectives or illusions. Zach, Pam and even my future self told me to let go of my stubborn will. It would be best for everybody – nearly.

It felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and the only ways out would either be the next step over the edge or right into the line of fire, in a battle that was doomed right from the beginning. As much as I wished to send all of them back to where they came from, I knew that I was much closer to stepping over the edge. But it won't come easy to me. At least, I could try to weaken as many of them as possible.

I had a lot of sleepless nights about how I could wound them. There had to be something that was worth fighting for! Finally, it popped up in my head. This idea went right through my heart like a bullet but I wouldn't agree to this insane deal until I knew they were safe. I had to see her and warn her, but most importantly: I had to tell her the truth!

I had never thought to see her again, but this was not the first time. Only this time was different.

I drove around the corner and a small brown house came into my sight on the right side.

How would it be to finally see her again? How would Ben be? Would she even want to see me again? I had all these questions in my mind and it took me a lot to concentrate on what I was about to do. It was important that she listened to me and would understand why I had to do this.

When she opened the door, I knew exactly, why I had come here, but I had no idea how to start this conversation. How should I tell her? The look on her face told me that she hadn't expected to see me again. It was painful, only to see her standing there. Why did I do this to her – again?

I chose every word carefully and it took me everything inside me, to keep my real feelings hidden. It was over. This whole war would be over soon, but I wouldn't agree to anything, without knowing that she and the kid were alright. How badly had I wished for a family of my own? Even until now, I hoped Ben was my child. I felt a deep connection with him and it felt right! But I had come to say goodbye.

„Whenever I pictured myself happy, it would have been with you… and the kid!" There it was! It was out. She wanted to talk about it, wanted to know more and wanted to know the reason for my visit. I had to tell her the truth but would she believe me? I knew that with every word I said, she got more and more desperate. I didn't want to leave her here but I had no choice. The only thing I could do was saving as many people as I could, which included her and Ben. She begged me to come inside, to spend just a few more moments with her and to wait for Ben, but I couldn't. It broke my heart to see her like that and I wouldn't be able to keep up my fake smile any longer. I had no idea, if my promise came true. I had no illusions and I didn't know how to come out of this whole situation – even if I got out. But I didn't want her to worry about me. The whole situation was painful enough.

I wanted to remember her because the moments with her kept me going; fighting against evil. When I was with her, it felt like home.

I held her tight, kissed her soft cheek and even if every inch of me wanted to stay with her, I let go of her. „Take care of you… Goodbye!"

I couldn't bear it any longer. I turned around and set one foot in front of the other, until I reached my car. Her sobbing followed me until I closed the door of my car.

I knew that she was watching me driving off, so I had to wait until I was out of her sight and the car went around the corner. Her face got smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror and then she was gone.

There was no car on the street, but I couldn't drive like this, so I stopped and parked the car at the side of the road.

So much time had passed by since we last met. So much had changed. I was torn. My heart was pounding and I thought my chest was about to explode. Then, finally I opened myself up to all these feelings that I had tried to hide for so long. The feelings I had when I thought about the last time I had seen her.

Desperately I hit the steering wheel with my hand, lowered my head against it and my thoughts went back to the day that had changed me forever.

_I__ had to see her. Even the thought about this last weekend made my heart beat faster and I felt a comforting dizziness inside me. _

_I held my breath, when she opened the door. She looked even better than I had remembered her, but something was different. My smile got even bigger and I was more than happy to see her. The reason for my visit was obvious, but even if I didn't get what I was looking for,__ I wasn't prepared for the things that happened next. They changed my life._

_My eyes fell on the little birthday boy. Just a few minutes later, my mind started thinking fast and I felt cold an__d hot chills running down my back. Why did nobody else notice the heat? _

_I had to know it, now__! I went inside to get some answers from her. When she was standing in front of me, I wasn't so sure anymore, if I really wanted to know the answer. What did I expect? What did she expect from me? I hadn't given her any proof of life for over 9 years and had just appeared on her doorstep. _

_After taking another deep breath, I took the chance. "Is he… is Ben…?" She new exactly what I meant, but her reaction and the answer she gave me didn't match. „No!" Suddenly she seemed hectic and unsure. What else had I expected? _

_The events of the following days __really made me think about a lot of things. What if Ben WAS my son and Lisa just wanted me off the hook so that I wouldn't have to worry about him. But it was too late for that. I couldn't find much sleep these nights because I had to think about the life we could have together. It was just Ben and Lisa. Had she always been alone? Had Ben ever had the feeling of having a real family? Where lay my priorities? How many times had I accused my dad of not being there for us? We had no time to grow up like normal kids. It was different for Ben. He went to school, had fights with guys that were his age and he had a home. But most importantly, he had a mum that loved him more than anything else. Did he really need a dad? A dad like me? Would I ever be able to live a life like that? My time was running out and I knew that I would never get the chance of a normal life with a family like Ben and Lisa. These thoughts made me sad and I wished – like every now and then – that I could travel back in time to make things right._

_After the whole thing was over, I had dropped Ben off at their house. Lisa was worried sick and came running towards us. My heart started beating faster again. I enjoyed the short moment, when she__ kneeled down to hug Ben and then got up to wrap her arms around me and thank me for everything I had done. I made sure that I kept this moment and the memory of my feelings locked in my heart forever. _

_The quest__ion that kept me awake at night was still in my head. I had to know it, so I asked her again, when we were alone. The more I thought about her answer, I got more doubts. Did that mean…? Ben was a great kid. I hoped that he and his mum would be able to live a normal life together. _

_I was surprised__ when I realized that deep down; I was really disappointed about her last words. Seriously, had I hoped to hear something else? It would be best just to leave and not to look back. Life – especially mine – was too short, to worry about things that could be but obviously weren't. Nevertheless, I liked the thought and would have given anything to live a normal, happy life with them. But my destiny was a different one…_

I hated myself for hurting her! I didn't want to leave her this way. I wanted to hold her in my arms and tell her that everything was going to be ok. I wanted to see Ben one last time. Wanted to know how he would react if he'd see me again. Wanted to know how he had changed over the last years. But it wasn't possible. Again, I was desperately wondering: Could I have been a good dad? I would have given my best and spent as much time with him as possible. These moments were way too precious just to waste them.

I had to think of the situation in the playground.

_My advice on how to get his game __back may not have been the best, but we got a deeper connection through this experience. He knew that I would be there for him. In the basement, fighting evil, he had trusted me without any doubt and did exactly what I told him. He hid all his fears to protect the others. I was as proud as a real daddy could be of his son. _

And now? How much pain and destruction had I brought through my actions? How many people had I hurt? Why did I feel responsible for everything and everyone? I was tired. The weight was too heavy and my enemies too powerful. It was hopeless and that's why I made a decision I should have made a long time ago…


End file.
